Wednesday, August 4, 2010

Take Your Cell-Phone & Stick It Up Your ASS!

I’m tired of the debate as to whether or not people’s driving skills are impaired by the use of mobile phones. The fact is, when it comes right down to it, people lose the ability to avoid being complete assholes as soon as they try to talk on their cells and interact with the general public in any way at any time. If you are walking through a crowd, talking on your cell, feeling extremely agile and adept at multi-tasking as you quickly pick up a coffee, step around the small children by the elevator and then jump to the curb to hail a taxi – you are a complete asshole. The reason you are a complete asshole is because, while you were in your own little cellular-world, you failed to realize that someone else was actually next in line at the coffee stand. Another reason you are a complete asshole is because although you stepped around the children at the elevator you also nearly knocked some old lady down the stairs. My closing argument as to why you are a complete asshole is that when you stopped to hail the taxi you didn’t realize there was a blind fellow just 20 feet away from you hoping to catch the very same cab.

Now you may truly believe that you’ve never done any of these things while walking along talking on your cell – but that is because you are a complete asshole. You see other people do these things all the time, but you are so full of yourself that you overlook your own indiscretions because YOUR conversation is just so much more important than anyone else’s. It’s not really important at all, but you believe it is because you are an asshole.

I’ve had customers at my bistro bark out an order as they walk by with their cell phone glued to the anus that they call their head, giving me the ‘shh’-finger as I try to clarify their order – just so they can continue with their universally important conversation as they proceed to the toilet. Upon returning and finding out that I was out of soy milk they then proceed to bitch and complain that I should have told them so when they first came in. To those people I say, “Take your cell phone and stick it up your ass!”

I’ve had clerks at the coffee shop screw up my order because they were too busy talking on their cell phones – and afterwards the same assholes try to convince me that I should pay for the order because I didn’t take the time to make it clear to them what I wanted. I guess I should really just try phoning them, but I never seem to have their number listed in my phone – because they are assholes. To these people I would like to say, “Take your cell phone and stick it up your ass!”

This behavior has been going on for years but I am only blogging about it now because of an inconsiderate fat bitch that really pissed me off tonight - at the end of an otherwise perfect day. I had a long, busy shift but everything went really well at work and I left feeling really gratified with the work I had done. I stopped to rest my feet at a pub that has an outdoor patio, sipping a cold pint of beer and enjoying the cool night air. I finished my cigarette and my beer together, and at the perfect moment to shuffle over to catch my bus. I got my favorite seat on the bus – a single seat, so I din’t have to worry about sharing with someone who smells worse than I do at the end of a hard day’s work – and I sat back to enjoy the ride home.

I estimate that there must be 30 potential stops between work and home. Usually, at that time of night, the bus only has to stop maybe a dozen times. Oftentimes new passengers have a question or two for the driver, but most are considerate enough to step aside as they ask questions so other passengers can board; but not the fat cell-phone adorned whore I that I have decided to call Mavis the Cow. No, no – Mavis the Cow hopped on board with her cell to her ear and leaned on the pole up front, finishing her current train of thought with her ‘friend’. Other people tried to get around her, but her ass was too wide so they had to wait. Finally she addressed the bus driver and asked if our bus connected with some other bus at Terminus Charlesbourg. The driver was patient, but I could hear a little irritation in his voice as he responded, “Oui.”

Finally Mavis the Cow was free to move along, allowing other people to board, but she had other plans. She held her position, with her big ass blocking the door, as she confirmed with her friend that she would be hopping on another bus at Terminus Charlesbourg. Mavis the Cow didn’t start moving until her conversation was well underway again and then she shook her booty down the aisle, all pleased with herself for what she obviously perceived to be a seamless transition in and out of her perfect little cellular world. The rest of us were far less impressed.

Part way down the aisle she told her friend to be ready in half an hour and it became apparent that when she asked if our bus made her connection, she didn’t just mean the 801 in general, she was actually hoping that the specific 801 that her majesty was standing on would arrive at the station with her next bus already waiting for her fat ass. The bus driver heard this and tried to call out to her to tell her that there would be a 30 minute wait at Terminus Charlesbourg, but Mavis the Cow was too wrapped up in her important conversation to listen to him so she just gave him the ‘shh’-finger.

The driver called to her again, but she just waved her hand and kept walking toward the back of the bus. The driver’s face revealed his frustration, and his mouth opened a couple more times as he desperately tried to find the words to get the fat whore’s attention, but finally he just threw his hands up in exasperation because he really had to get driving again to make up the time that she had already cost us. If every newly boarding passenger slurped up this much time, all of us would have an extra half hour wait to get home.

When we got to Terminus Charlesbourg, Mavis the Cow stampeded through other passengers on her way to the front of the bus. She started shouting at the bus driver and I couldn’t follow her French that well but it was obvious that she was pissed off that her connecting bus wasn’t there waiting for her fat ass. The bus driver tried to explain that he had tried to provide her with this information but she just tore into a tirade about her friend already being on the way to some bar and how she wasn’t going to be able to make her ever so important rendezvous out front.

Her nostrils snorted and she actually pawed the floor of the bus with one of her hooves. Mavis the Cow and turned into a very angry bull. The driver had little choice but to keep driving and she refused to get off the bus. She just kept arguing with him and I think she was actually expecting him to drive off his route to get her where she wanted to go. The driver negotiated to get another bus to wait for her further up the route and she finally sat down.

At this point the driver had to use the on board phone in the bus to arrange transport for her majesty. He’s a professional driver and didn’t drift off into some other world while talking, but it was obvious that even he was distracted by the phone, although I’m sure the huffing Mavis behind him wasn’t helping matters. Fortunately my stop was nearby and I was eager to escape the mounting tension as quickly as I could so I could just get home and put my feet to bed.

I rang for my stop, but as we were approaching it the tone of the driver’s voice changed as he received the news that the other bus couldn’t wait very long for Mavis. Mavis jumped up and starting tearing a strip off of the poor driver again and he started driving faster and actually missed my stop. It was about all I could take and I know my voice revealed my anxiety as I barked, “Excuse, mon arrĂªt!”

We were traveling pretty fast and nearly a block past my stop when the driver hit the breaks and sent me and Mavis into the windshield. The driver began apologizing profusely as he opened the door, and as I stepped out Mavis looked at me and snorted as she tilted her head towards the bus driver. Apparently that self-centered cunt wanted me to reassure her opinion that the driver was inept, but her expression of superiority turned to shock as I looked her in the eye and said, “Take your cell phone and stick it up your ass!”