Invisible Pink Unicorns

A short story by - Heather Spoonheim

Why do so many people refute the existence of invisible pink unicorns? What sort of childhood trauma could make a person so hateful as to suggest that invisible pink unicorns don’t exist? It’s so comforting to just think of them galloping silently around us, watching out for us, while also keeping an eye out for low prices, that I’m deeply saddened to think that anyone lives without this comfort. How sad it must be to live everyday without knowing the joy of invisible pink unicorns.

The best part about invisible pink unicorns is that they don’t contradict science. All the scientific study that mankind will ever do will never disprove the existence of invisible pink unicorns. There is no religious organization dictating behaviors that either please or displease invisible pink unicorns, so you don’t ever have to feel any guilt. When it rains, you can just believe that the invisible pink unicorns are watering the flowers and it makes you smile. If you don’t want to believe this then you don’t have to – the invisible pink unicorns are never displeased by anything you believe or disbelieve.

Some people ask me, “If invisible pink unicorns don’t care what I believe or disbelieve, then why should I believe in them?” Well the answer, obviously, is because believing in them will bring you comfort. Believing in invisible pink unicorns means never having to feel grief because you can just imagine your deceased loved ones running around playing with the invisible pink unicorns. Some might say that it is unhealthy to avoid dealing with your grief by clinging to belief in invisible pink unicorns but what could possibly be the harm?

There may be a remote chance that I am wrong and invisible pink unicorns don’t actually exist; I must admit this because, to be honest, I have no proof that they exist. Even if they don’t, however, I still get the benefit of spending my days comforted by the thought of them galloping all around me and I never have to deal with grief. Considering this, doesn’t it make sense to believe in invisible pink unicorns regardless of the probability that they might not exist? If they don’t, well then when you die you will just cease to exist and so you won’t feel any disappointment.

It may be argued that some other sort of cute invisible creature exists, but there is nothing about invisible pink unicorns that should dissuade you from believing in other cute invisible creatures as well. Unfortunately, though, sometimes people claim that there are other cute invisible creatures that have something against belief in invisible pink unicorns.

One fellow I met told me about an invisible creature named ‘Martoc’ who wasn’t even cute. He said that Martoc prohibited belief in invisible pink unicorns. This scared the hell out of me because for a few minutes I thought that he had actually heard the voice of Martoc. As it turned out though, Martoc hadn’t actually spoken to the fellow or, for that matter, to anyone else for thousands of years.

Anyway, I asked him how he knew the story of Martoc was anything more than just a story and he showed me a really old book where people had written stories about Martoc. Acknowledging that the book was of ancient origin, I asked him again how he knew the story of Martoc was anything more than just a story. He told me it wasn’t just a story because Martoc was real. I have to admit that I found this all very confusing.

Now I asked this guy a lot of questions and finally decided that Martoc couldn’t possibly exist. It was really troubling to have to think for myself because I usually just like to daydream about invisible pink unicorns. Anyway, there were some great old stories about Martoc but a lot of them were highly improbable. The wildest claim though, was that Martoc specifically tinkered with the earth and the universe just to create paradoxes that contradicted the stories about him. It was all just too convoluted for me to believe, aside from the fact that it also conflicted with my belief in invisible pink unicorns.

The whole episode got me thinking though. I’ve started to think that I should give up on believing in invisible pink unicorns. There might be some value in actually developing the emotional skills that it takes to deal with grief. That very sort of emotional development might even make it easier to see through stories like the one about Martoc. I suppose that when it rains I can still just think that the invisible pink unicorns are watering the flowers. It’s a cute story and it makes me smile, but it’s also sort of childish.